As a child I was always singing and dancing. As my mother always tells me that’s the moment when I’m always shining. So my love for music sparked my interest in tour documentaries and photographers like Anton Corbijn. This because I never see myself as a good singer or dancer. But the magic of music always got my attention. Also the art of fantasy movies and puppeteers. So I decided to study Multimedia Design to become a director.
During my study’s I had a teacher who had lived the rockstar life in the times of Top of the pops. So he was a big inspiration for me (even I’m not that wild). During my study I found out that I could express myself better with photography. All the freedom and I could work on my own. With a friend from the graphic design study we started Noize Magazine an E-zine (which was revolutionary at that time) with our passion for music, art, fashion and all gothic lifestyle. After we stopped Noize Magazine in the end of 2011. After that I was still studying Documentary Photography at the Art Academy of Sint Joost (NL). And my boyfriend (now husband) had his music promotion company so I still made pictures. But in 2014 after I lost my daughter I stopped making art and (documentary) photography.
Deine Lakaien In 2007 when we were preparing for Noize Magazine I was that Deine Lakaien would come to the Netherlands. Even it was there 20 years tour I just discovered them during a visit to Berlin where I ended up at their concert with the Neue Philharmonie Frankfurt. I got a photopass and against the note “no backstage access” I ended up meeting them backstage. For four years I have made pictures at several Deine Lakaien and Vejlanov concert and it was always a magical moment and almost a coming home. But as I stopped in 2014 I pushed away everything I loved. But corona times in 2020 brought nostalgic on the table and with endless scrolling time on social media they popped up. So slowly I started to follow them again. And with a warm welcome in Osnabruck 2021 (with all corona measurements) and a welcome home in Koln 2022. It was like all those years gone never existed. In 2024 I started to sort out my old photography work. And the thought of making pictures again at the Veljanov concert just like “the old days”. So last Saturday I ended up making pictures at the Seiss Planetarium Bochum. After 14 years I was making pictures again. It was like it was 2007 again small venue a magical venue and a perfect balance of listing and capturing the moment. But now with a upgrade set and it was like my break of photography was never there.
But now still making a tour documentary I again on my bucket list. Well mabe one day? I will see what will come on my path. And now I’m thinking I’m slightly doing that with at the Osse Opera where I’m singing.
I’m writing this blog in a nostalgic mood. This year I decided to live by the concept “Only do what makes you happy”! So here I’m in my mid-thirties sounding like some much older. When I was a student I loved the hunt for success and the trill of deadlines. But now after a rush up the last ten years it feels like my brain aged twenty years. But isn’t that the whole thing. When we are in the calm and solid waters of our life we start on our inner work.
Look at myself I have a decent job where I’m not even allowed to rush! Yes this sound against all logics of a creative person. But two years ago I started to work in healthcare where I do creative activities with special needs people. So I do only fun things the whole day I make art, music, go on walk. That’s a 180 life change after years of working with tight deadlines and later my own company which gave a lot of stress (specially during corona years). So after a year to settle in the changes I found out that I have free time!! Something I felt like I never had that much. So what to do with it?
Well just find out what makes you happy? For my it was a Mari Kondo like way of letting things go. Because what does give you a spark in life?
I stared to drop things and let go some contacts (sorry) and picked up contact with some old friends. I stared to build this website to sort out my old work, and it made me feel nostalgic. I made me realise that I miss the thrill of making pictures and work with music. So I decided to stay at the opera develop myself as a singer just for fun. Because it makes me happy. Now I have a chance to make pictures again, lets see if it makes me just as happy as the old days. And crochet??…. Well only when I’m in the mood and makes me happy.
So still being in my nostalgic mood and overthinking my life I write this blog. On Gothcommunity.eu fb group some started a post of their goth look thru the years. In 2002 I went for the first time to a gothic shop it was in Den Bosch a small store filled with witchy and fantasy stuff with the smell of incense filled the room. The lady in the store wore a big dress with a corset like a dark princess. Mesmerized by the magic in the store I felt in love with this dark but feminine style. But there was I standing a brave insecure 14 year old girl who dressed up more as a tomboy.
Later that year I went to my first fantasy festival an bought my first “gothic” shirt and proudly wore it he next day to school. So there it was from now I was the gothic of the glass. Every penny is start to spent in dark princess like cloths and mixed and matched them. But still deep inside I was still that insecure girl that just looked like a princess of darkness exploring the world.
I started to study multimedia and set up a gothic e-zine with a friend. Going to concerts, festivals and even gothic gala’s. Exploring styles and watch trends. So working with models and having amazing creative artist in frond of my camera I always felt underdressed. I never considered myself create with make up and hair, and yes I learned some tricks true time. But still I felt like a reporter that just went for her goals and for the rest a shy wallflower like a Lady Whistledown.
2024 Helene with Sabine Lutzenberger (Helium Vola / Per-Sonat)
But time has passed got married in steampunk style and just like the goth scene in the Netherlands I disappeared to. Went up in the mass and started a family. But still there was something missing in my life. Did I let to much go in the darkest day’s In my life? Yes there was a time where the beauty of life and the most darkest part where a tin line. So corona that time when we were almost forced to confront ourselves in where we stand in life. I started to redefine my passions and with all the scrolling on the socials I found old contacts. On the rare moments in 2021 we could travel again we could meet old friends and a small spark lighted my gothic heart. In 2022 I lost my store well I got a job opportunity that changed my life. I could be creative and free again and room for travel and self-development came in my life. More and more I got drawn to the old days where I felt happy and free.
So yes I’m gothic on my own way. Not one with big hair and big eyeliner. But my own elegant me! And now I can even say I’m an elderly goth and don’t care if I’m not the next topmodel. But I love to inspire new generations on my own way to even make the shy wallflower feel seen.
And still I don’t know where my path takes me but even the coolest goth has the brightest spark inside there heart. And mine shines brighter than ever!
So yes I say I’m a gothic queen!!
2014 Oriental Tea time2012 London2011 Elfia Arcen20072011 Elfia de Haar 2015 Imaginarium202420232007 with Deine Lakaien (Tilburg NL)
Welcome to my hearing … well it’s better to say my head. Yes I have tinnitus! And even more annoying hyperacusis. No I did not get it from festivals and party’s but thanks to a bike accident when I was 11 years old.
So the bike incident I got was just like a stupid accident with my race bike. Well I wasn’t racing but it was during a slow drive to the start of a triathlon competition (yes I did triathlon). My bag got in the wheel and smacked me on the face, lucky was wearing a helmet that one broke, just like my front teeth.
When I was almost 21 in 2008 I could finally get two teeth implants. But with that came an bone transplantation from the back of my jaw. This is not a big surgery but a nasty one because the unlock your jaw. Which now in 2024 I still have problems of and in 2008 jaw therapy wasn’t very know. But as reward my dad took me for a 26hours trip to Berlin to do my report of Veljanov’s Porta Macedonia cd presentation. Which I was invited to do a report for Noize Magazine, I still don’t know how I managed to makes the pictures with all the pain killers a few days after the surgery.
In 2022 I stopped my yarn store that I had for 5 years. With corona period survived as a company. And during corona period when we where all living online I started to get in touch and long back to the period of Noize Magazine. But a new job got a my path so I could stop the store and get free time. What me time with no pressure? Something that was not in my Dictionary. And an old friend who challenged me with music. The whole positive change gave a stress reaction on my hearing. In 2023 I did what I never dare but always wanted to do and joined the local opera. I takes the average ages of the choirs down with 30 years but I didn’t care I wanted to learn to sing opera. I always loved symphonic metal and want to learn to read sheet music. Somehow I past the test and was allowed to stay even with the comment that I have a delay to pick up tunes. After trying a few thing to reduces stress I finally get the hearing test I needed. The result: Tinnitus and hyperacusis with a to big hearing range for my age.
The sound I hear the whole day. Allright on a good moment it’s gone for a moment.
Tinnitus
It’s annoying and exhausting form time to time. Looking back I know I have it thanks to the bike incident. It’s not always there and most of the sounds block it. I mostly hear it before I go to sleep or when I’m extreme stressed or tired. It’s mostly a background noise and on a bad day something similar like the noise of the video. The annoying thing when you get the label tinnitus it’s know to give a big reaction and you will focus on it. So for almost a year I slowly find my way to manage and understand it. It’s just my personal jam.
Hyperacusis
This is the nasty one. Sounds are to loud for me and it causes a “processing” delay. With my big hearing range I still hear things like to beepers to scare cat’s of the yard.
Directed sounds work fine to me. That’s why I’m able to go to a concert (yes with in ears but you need them anyway) and sing in the opera. But undirected sounds like a bar are exhausting for me because I lose focus. So I love to go to small concerts but I do not stay long for the after party. At home I try to avoid the morning chaos and hope that my husband and the kids set up the table (but still this goes with a lot of chaos) because it can set the hearing stress level for me for the rest of the day.
Also the jaw can have a major effect on how loud you hear sounds. If it’s locked you can hear sounds louder. I went to therapy for it and to keep it in shape and make it stronger I need sing.
At my work I work with people with people with special needs so most of the workspace is adjusted to them. And all right expect the hallway on the new location but it’s my secret personal signing boot for cool acoustics. But still it’s a job that require a lot of focus and concentration so I have to watch out in the evening and take enough rest. Because more tired I’m the louder the sounds feel. And it could almost look like I’m misophonic.
The delay
The delay is the most frustrating for me. I lose focus so with a meeting it takes more time to process. It can look like I forget a lot of things and walk back with a this or that questions. Or I have to check the assignment ten times or cut it in small staps so I won’t forget a things.
With music the delay is really a annoying thing but I learned once I know the piece it will be fine and slowly I learn to understand sheet music so I recognise more an more what to do and when. But one of the most important things is to trust on our director Hans Lamers.
Little helpers
So at the moment I use some little helpers. And I’m not sponsored but I will call the names of the brands I use but you just have to find what helps for you. I love my Loop earplugs and have two sets (now you can also choose for a switch version). I have one set for concerts to block the noise. The other set is for a restaurant of meeting or block some of the sounds so I can focus more. Yes they help me but the downside for me I can not use it to calm down because then I will focus on my tinnitus jam.
So when I’m on the streets or need to relax my ears at home I use mu Sennheiser IEpro100 in ears monitors. Yes there originally designed for stage monitoring and I love them. I always loved the Sennheiser sounds and uses It from I was like 14 years old if it are headphones of a mic yes I’m a Sennheiser just like I’m an Apple girl (but no earpods for me). The nice thing of in ear monitors there are designed to lock in you ears and block the “speaking” range of sounds. So it helps me to get in my own bubble and block most sounds. So for me this is the best help.
Mabe I will get more or a different helper because I’m waiting list for a special treatment to learn to deal with my tinnitus and hyperacusis.
Do I still bike? I’m Dutch so I bike everywhere, I don’t even have a driver’s license.
And with the singing? It became my therapy I train my jaw with it and I calm my brain (except when the soprano’s are on the loose). And I just decided to do what makes me happy. So we will see where my path will take me.
How my workshop is going from almost ready to work in again to a nightmare. So I just finished my workshop a few months ago. Started to sort out my old photography and re-edit them. Well that just got on a hold. Also my just stet up recording set is there. Why?
We have a major leak in the roof!! And it’s raining for half a year now in the Netherlands. So a few months ago we discovered damage on the ceiling. So they did a roof inspection and there is a leak, and we are waiting till it will be fixed. Last week when we tried to pick up some project an reorganise my company we found out it got on the point that it’s unhealthy to work.
We brought my old handmade art downstairs so my winter sorting out project become my summer project. And when I can photoshop again I have to see, I guess I have to do a edit marathon in the summer holiday in my living room.
And now? Well it’s a good time for me to focus on some writing. And test my new IPhone by making little video’s where I sing some covers. I guess I really never sit still!!
Longing to our past is a natural things in 2012 when society was changing. We longed to a time in the past with a period of technical change with social media and streaming like Netflix. And upcoming trend was Steampunk people were looking back at the industrialisation. Now in the 20ties we had our time with corona that shaken society and now I see a reaction to longing to the 80ties. The (dark) wave it the “new goth” and cover bands have more gigs then there existing originals.
For me? During corona I started to long to talking about my old work while my yarn shop had to close for safety. Hanging around on socials finding old contacts and inspirations. Some I left behind years ago. After corona I had to stop de shop and found a new creative job. That give me even more time and rest to drown in the river of nostalgia.
And there we have the fear of nostalgia. The desire to swim against the stream of life is an illusion to swim to safety. In the end it will only exhaust us and we will drown. But still sometimes we need a small swim against the stream to see what direction we need to go.
What I do to prevent drowning? Well now I still sorting all my old archives and finished projects that I should have finished a long time ago. For me I helps to close the tabs in my head but I won’t forget where I come from.
The quotes are:
It was all better in the past!
Wij do we have a desire to another time?
Nostalgia is the denial of the painfull present (- quote from Midnight in Paris)
Nostalgia is a new folk disease.
We desire to the Gulden (- a quote that Wilders uses it a lot to win souls)
Last year a lot has changed for me. New job, say goodbye to my own yarn shop. But then what to do? During corona I got in touch with some old contacts. So I 2023 ended up in longing to a balance of my old photography work. But after 10 years you are not the same anymore and time hasn’t stand still. And still I don’t know where to start. Well I made a start of sorting out my old portfolio, but still then what???
Here is a short introduction about me. I have studied multimedia Design and Documentary Photography art the Art Academy. I’m Dutch and I always get confused when people talk German. My English is fine, not perfect. During my study I found a love for music but to shy to sing so I did concert photography. That ended up in working 5 years on Noize Magazine, and still for me the best experience of my life. In 2005 I started my own yarn and haberdashery shop from 2007 till 2023 I have had a local store. But with corona and everything in the world I couldn’t find my happiness. In 2023 I have joined the local opera choir, and on the Bühne I felt the magic again that I fled during my time with Noize Magazine.
In 2023 I also found out I’m hyperacoustic which was a painful eyeopener. As I also work as a crochet pattern designer I need to go to events to promote my work and I love festivals. But my hearing thinks quickly it’s to much. But I found out that I can enjoy singing and listing to music. But a 50 ore more talking in a room is a problem for my hearing, just like soprano’s. High tunes and uncontrolled sound are a fight in my head.
So I slowly find my way again.
I just told myself only do what makes me happy.
What do I do now? – My daily job doing creative Activities with disabled – Design crochet patterns (mostly in Dutch) – Sing in the local opera choir. – Enjoy my children
Can I add blog to the list? Because I just made my first blog. Well we will see where it will go. I’m open for projects as long as it think it’s fun.
